view from the bottom of the hill

I remember standing at the base of our driveway, looking up at our house, and thinking how ugly it was.  It lay flat and broad, like a large nose that had been smashed against one's face. One of its many faults was that it had no stairs and that day I was especially bruised in my heart, that all the times of playing house I had to pretend there was an upstairs instead of having real ones. Later, I told my brother, Chris, how sad it was that we had to live in that house.  What a mean thing it was that we didn't live in some nice old mansion.

It must be one of Satan's more disgustingly pleasant jobs to watch the simplicity of childhood fall away. As He pulls back the curtain of Oblivion before the eyes of that child, I imagine he receives a warped glee from it.  Before that time life was beautiful in a way that was sweetest…We loved our things, not because they were nice or pretty, but rather because they were ours. A toy need not be shiny, nor clothes be new, nor a house be pretty,  to be loved deeply and best. Sure, we'd see lovely things - a friend's house or family or horse or toys or yard, and could admire it. We might even fight over it for the time, but it was not ours and therefore it would never hold the same beauty as the old things at home that we'd known and loved so well.  At the end of the day, it's the comfort of the ragged old blanket or teddy bear we reach for, not our friend's foreign niceties.

Oh how greedily Satan must anticipate that moment of unveiling. You may not remember the moment exactly, but you can remember the after effects of it, I am sure. As he he pulls the cord, opening the curtains to a so - called Reality, he watches our face the whole time - that wretched Beast. He absorbs the horror in our eyes of seeing our sweet and beautiful World of Oblivion, crumble…Oh the smile - the twisted, evil smile that comes over his face. It is done.  He has implanted a concept - a feeling - a doubt that we are all too familiar with and for the rest of our lives there will be a struggle between This Bad Seed, and what we knew before. Do you remember it?  Do you remember the first time you felt the effects of what he'd done?  I speak of Embarrassment.

Oh what a plague it was, constantly challenging my happiness…ever haunting my sense of contentment. It was especially bad up to and through my teenage years. But don't we see it everywhere? People are embarrassed. Embarrassed of things we have no business being ashamed of - family, home, standards, morals, convictions…We're embarrassed.  It drives people to try and set up a standard of life that is ridiculous.  Instead of doing what is sensible and honest and what we like, we'll often do whatever it is we think will be "Accepted by Friends"…{ I believe it's often an attempt to appease our  so-called friends so that they won't talk badly of us…we fear that stab in the back and go to great lengths of worry and stress to please them.}  It's ultimately not a true reflection of what we can afford, or what our lifestyle is like. {And may I say that if you're so concerned with the gossip and backstabbing of your friends, perhaps you should consider deepening your friendships beyond material things, or letting go of such friends altogether? It's not worth such non-essential stress in life.}

 I remember going out to eat with my family. That number of people doesn't escape notice, especially looking as much alike as we do. My face was red because I blush at the times I wish I wouldn't. There was so much to be embarrassed about. We were behind the times - who wears jean jumpers anymore? Who still has a beeper? We were so loud and everyone was looking at us. The girls didn't have their hair fixed and buffets are humiliating establishments of society.  I was embarrassed, and with doggone good grounds. There was so much to be embarrassed about.
 
Or was there? What would happen if we were to stop being embarrassed? Most often, when we are brave enough to look that embarrassment in the face, we'll see it's no more than a bully's attempt at making us ashamed of the best things in life.  Giving into that Bully is willingly robbing ourselves of a rich contentment and happiness. I've been on a quest for over a year now, not to give into the lie of Embarrassment. Oh, I find myself wondering in fear many times, "What if they think - " and then I stop. When I've gotten that far, I realize I'm not living an honest life; I'm playing to the crowd if I let "What if they think", sway my decisions. So what if they do think? Go ahead!  Face the worst. What if they think I'm fat or tacky or my teeth are crooked or my arms are hairy or my ears are too big or my shoes are clunky? What if they think my family is weird and rowdy and don't use good manners? Well? What if it's True? A lot of the times it is. And that's when I've got to face the truth myself. I'm not perfect. Neither is my family. Neither is my home. Neither are Any Of Us Humans.  There is a freedom in looking your fears square in the eye, then moving past them. Let them think it. Let me accept the imperfections of my own life.  We all have them.

But stop beating yourself up. Quit letting Embarrassment beat up your life and the things you value.  Love the people and places and things in your life because they are yours. Be thankful for what you've got and you'll find embarrassment slinking away in a shadow of its own shame for ever having tried to make you regret the Honest and Best Things in life.

The other day I was standing at the base of our driveway, looking up at our house.  That old house is beat up, worn out and lived in. It's seen more life in these 30 years than some houses see in a lifetime. I love this old house. This long, grey Submarine of a house. This place full of memories and love and protection and freedom; this haven away from the storms of life. I love this house. And as I stood at the end of our driveway looking up at it sitting on its little hill, with shrubs and bushes nestled before it; with its tall pines on the side and with the elm and maple standing behind it - those solid old watchtowers  - I saw the prettiest place in the whole wide world.